Whistleblower on hubby's unpopular idea
Mark thinks there should be a Federal Naming Commission that assigns names to people’s babies for them, and that the FNC should operate sort of communistically to even the economic and social playing fields. Very successful, upper-income-bracket, objectionable people would be assigned awful names for their kids, while the less fortunate would be given most excellent names. Of course, we are dabbling in the subjective here, so Mark has a lot of work to do in figuring out which names would qualify as “awful” and which as “most excellent,” and ethically, he’ll have to explain why the babies should be punished for the sins of their parents. I intend to interview him for a more extended exploration of the FNC and its implications and present the interview on this blog. For now, I’ll just add that Mark wants to take Kirsten Dunst and rename her Dorcas Krappe.
posted by Sarah Goss at 12:43 PM
21 Comments:
Hey! I knew a Dorcas in college. She was really nice. It's a biblical name, from the book of Acts. But I guess she probably did get some grief over it. I never asked her.
Yes, I think Dorcas must have been a fairly common English name, too--in the 19th century, at least. I have run across a few in novels. It is but our own immaturity that finds the crude insult in that lovely name....
I don't think Dorcas is a bad name at all. It just is not conventionally recognized as a good or normal name. I don't see the naming commission as punishing well-to-do children. Rather, it promotes thought and tries to de-ossify conventional perceptions and associations. Under my commission, both Kristin and Dorcas would develop new, more thoughtful resonances. What I really object to is people trying to give kids some kind of cache, coolness, or even sense of individual specialness through a name. On some level, I think the parent's very act of naming a child runs the (perhaps inevitable) risk of becoming an aggressive act of projection not just on the child but on the world at large. You know, you read some college alumni magazine (I'm stealing this from Sarah) and see something like, "Linton Fairleigh Jones (architecht) and his wife Daffodil McCambridge Jones (investment analyst) just gave birth to their darling prince Ashton Wethercock Fairleigh McCambridge Jones III. They are oh so happy and living an a disgustingly opulent home where they regularly exploit immigrant laborers upon whom they spy with security cameras for fear that the help will steal pocket change in spite of their more than adequate three dollar an hour wage." In the words of Bart Simpson, "C'mon Snipers, where are you?!"
Hence the naming commission. I think Gwyneth Paltrow should have to name her next kid Spike Glasscok, regardless of its sex.
Humph!
Okay, I'm sorry if I didn't represent the FNC accurately, Mark...that's why I wanted to interview you about it. I knew I would inevitably oversimplify it and not do justice to its subleties. What kind of name would our child qualify for? Also, I think "Spike" is a pretty cool name, so I don't think you'd be de-ossifying Gwyneth's preconceptions.
Also,
I just want to say that I hope no one takes what I say too seriously, especially parents. I just love coming up with insane, indefensible schemes and trying to defend them.
I'm actually pretty conventional (perhaps too much so) in my taste for kid names. I'm corny and I understand why people choose family names or names that in other ways reflect things that are important to the parents.
I wish you hadn't apologized. I was looking forward to getting hate mail.
Ms. Dunst wears fur. She wears fur without apology. Therefore I am totally behind Mark's renaming.
and you know, I think if you guys get stuck, you can always do what my parents did - for pet chickens, cats, dogs, their daughter: consult "The Lord of the Rings".
Balrog Glorfindel Meritt Goss rolls right off the tongue. :)
I think you guys have a very important duty to discharge here! Let us not be frivolous! Tut! The trend is well documented: the most educated classes, the Ph.D. types, y'know, like you, come up with (or dust off and polish up) the up-and-coming exciting shiny names that will become the tiresome Ashleys, Brittanys, and Noahs of the next decade.
PS: My college roommate's child is named Sprout. Sprout Alfaro. Sprout *Phillip* Alfaro.
Isn't Farleigh Maggie's middle name?
Yes, "Farley." I of course referred to the poor girl as Maggie "Fartley" Goss. How could I resist? How could anyone?
Just so I can zoom in on the driving principle(s) behind the FNC, how do oddball names for rock musicians' kids fit into the picture? Artists of all stripes fit awkwardly (if at all) into the conventional class system, so it could present a bit of a grey area, non? Of course we have the infamous ones--Dweezil, Moon Unit, etc.--but a newer generation of less-outlandish but more-cloying names have risen up to take their place--Frances Bean, Coco Hayley, and so on.
Tolkien names.... Lots of possibilities among them elves, but one could also take the road to Mordor or Isengard, naming kids after orcs! Grishnakh (sp?) Goss? Azog (a goblin mentioned briefly in The Hobbitt and in the appendices to LotR) Meritt?
Or hobbitts -- Fatty Bolger, Gaffer, etc.
Oops -- I didn't mean to invoke Maggie's middle name, which I think is fine. I thought of "Fairleigh" as being pronounced more like "fairly," but I don't know.
Someone way back in the Meritt clan was named "Vinal." Maybe if I change the spelling, it could be a goofie rock star kid name, commemorating our best, lost medium of musical transmission, the LP.
...I am taking a guess (though maybe he'll correct me) that Mark does not approve of the cute, "original" rock star names and that he thinks they are pretentious. I realize he is trying to avoid getting hate mail, but he really has told me in the past that attractive, successful people should be forced to give their children *ugly* names...of course, he wants to give *our* child an ugly name, too, like "Mortimer," because he thinks it will build character, so he isn't just doling out the bad fortune to others; he wants us to do our share, too.
I would definitely call Mortimer "Morty" most of the time.
True, Sarah, I don't like the cute rock star name. I think the terrible truth is that I have to admit there's a small horrible part of me that is hostile to any form of individuality or expression at all -- my inner fascist/demagogue. I fear him, yet love him in a strange way for his extremism. However, he must remain caged, for he is evil.
Even so, fascism aside, I do think those rock star kid names are pretentious. Hmmm...wait. I can't explain why, but I approve of Dweezil and Moon Unit, but not of Frances Bean -- I mean I approve of Frances but not of Bean. Maybe I respect Frank Zappa more than I do Kurt Cobain.
On the latter subject, please refer to Tuff's "American Hair Band" for a shrewd assessment of the significance of grunge in rock music history... Just kidding...sort of
>of course, he wants to give *our* child an ugly name, too, like "Mortimer," because he thinks it will build character
ah, the old "Boy Named Sue" approach to child-rearing...
Yes, that's right! "A Boy Named Sue." I guess Mark is not the first one to think of such a strategy. I really like the idea of Balrog Glorfindel, Arwen...
yep. I know someone who named a child "Balin" recently.
Actually I didn't really want to do the "name builds character" thing. I don't think of Morty or similar names as weak or that they need to be overcome. I just think with a name like Morty there's no way a parent can be accused of trying to give a kid an air of specialness. I don't think it degrades the kid; it has character, whereas really "cool" or popular names do not. There's a difference between choosing a name that's cool (which I despise) and one that has character (which is not meant to elevate the kid but to give him/her substance).
To return to Gwyneth Paltrow and that forgettable guy from Coldplay, they might think that "Apple" has character, but it doesn't. It's just an attempt to be cool and different. The name "Lou," in contrast, is not cool or "different, nor is it a way of degrading the child. But it has character; it has no airs yet is not bland.
Oh yes! I saw that on your blog, Haddayr, about all the Aidans, and I was outraged on your behalf. I would have said so, but there were already about 50 people who beat me to my outrage and I thought my comment would be lost in the multitudes...maybe I'll add it anyway.
One more thing--I like Haddayr's idea that the FNC can *remove* names already bestowed and bestow new ones. Thus, some of the pre-existing Aidans who have no legitimate claim to that name can be renamed Curly, Shemp, and Hubert. (Actually, Hubert is kind of cute.)
How about the names they gave people in foreign language textbooks. Flavia rolls off the tongue.
"Flavia" is lovely... just a little too Roman for me, or something. I am not all that Roman--although I *was* considering Valentina, especially because we found out the baby's sex on Valentine's Day!
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