Non-weaning
I can't wean!
Here I am, with Daisy at 14 months, and I can't or won't wean her. I always thought I'd be weaning at a year, if I could even make it that long. But here I am. I have been telling myself that I just can't do it because Daisy's not ready; I was hoping the process would happen the way other women have told me it happened for them--just sort of naturally and organically, with both parties mutually agreeing it was over. Okay, so that's not happening. But today I finally admitted to myself that it's not just Daisy who's the problem, it's me. As surprised as I am to find this is true of myself, I'm not sure I am ready. I will miss the closeness so very much, especially lying curled in the darkness next to her when I'm putting her to bed. I can't help but worry that we will never be this close again, that we'll be losing our very special bond if I wean. She won't need me as much, and we won't be as intimate.
I don't even know for sure that I have any milk left. I don't feel as though I'm making any. I never get engorged anymore or feel that milk is there, although sometimes I get the smallest sensations of the let-down (nothing like what the let-down use to be, where it would sometimes start squirting and I had to wear nursing pads). I figure there must be something there, or she wouldn't keep nursing... and if she's nursing, my body must be getting the message to produce something. But it just doesn't feel the same. So now, instead of cutting back on nursings the way I'm supposed to be doing for weaning, I find myself desperate not to miss a single one because I'm so afraid my supply will entirely dry up if so.
The thing is, I don't think I am going to have another baby, so this may be it-- the only time I ever have this experience in my life. Although I always thought I'd be relieved to end nursing, I now find myself almost in grief over the end of this chapter of my life.
Here I am, with Daisy at 14 months, and I can't or won't wean her. I always thought I'd be weaning at a year, if I could even make it that long. But here I am. I have been telling myself that I just can't do it because Daisy's not ready; I was hoping the process would happen the way other women have told me it happened for them--just sort of naturally and organically, with both parties mutually agreeing it was over. Okay, so that's not happening. But today I finally admitted to myself that it's not just Daisy who's the problem, it's me. As surprised as I am to find this is true of myself, I'm not sure I am ready. I will miss the closeness so very much, especially lying curled in the darkness next to her when I'm putting her to bed. I can't help but worry that we will never be this close again, that we'll be losing our very special bond if I wean. She won't need me as much, and we won't be as intimate.
I don't even know for sure that I have any milk left. I don't feel as though I'm making any. I never get engorged anymore or feel that milk is there, although sometimes I get the smallest sensations of the let-down (nothing like what the let-down use to be, where it would sometimes start squirting and I had to wear nursing pads). I figure there must be something there, or she wouldn't keep nursing... and if she's nursing, my body must be getting the message to produce something. But it just doesn't feel the same. So now, instead of cutting back on nursings the way I'm supposed to be doing for weaning, I find myself desperate not to miss a single one because I'm so afraid my supply will entirely dry up if so.
The thing is, I don't think I am going to have another baby, so this may be it-- the only time I ever have this experience in my life. Although I always thought I'd be relieved to end nursing, I now find myself almost in grief over the end of this chapter of my life.
posted by Sarah Goss at 9:53 PM
5 Comments:
There's no rush to wean--obviously you are both still enjoying it. I wouldn't worry about missing a feeding or two, that's probably part of the natural "process" as breastfeeding declines. My aunt breastfed her two children until they were about two years old. I think part of it is that you enjoy the quality time with Daisy--perhaps long hugs and reading time together will eventually replace breastfeeding?
Why do you think you won't have another one?
Ahhh yes... well, I probably shouldn't swear I'm not having another, since who knows, really. It's just that I feel so overwhelmed by one baby that I can't imagine having two. I know people do it all the time, and even have three or four, so I am somewhat ashamed to admit how overwhelmed I feel by one. I actually think I could not handle two babies. That's what I think.
Maybe I should write a post to try to articulate some of this, eh?
There's no hurry. I weaned both Arie and Éiden at 17 months. You still have milk; your boobs have just adjusted to the natural rhythms of when she drinks, and they're waiting to produce until they need to.
When I finally weaned Arie I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed -- more than I did when my dad died.
When I weaned Éiden, knowing for SURE it was the last I'd ever nurse? Didn't shed a tear. Weird, huh?
Please don't feel ashamed of finding a baby overwhelming. They ARE overwhelming. Horribly overwhelming.
If you still want to nurse and Daisy still wants to, then do it. There is no "should" about when you should stop, and as long as you keep nursing you will produce some milk, so don't worry about producing enough -- it's not about providing food anymore, but other things. For me, weaning down to two and then one nursing a day was easy, but stopping that last bedtime nursing was hard (okay we didn't do it until my son was three and a half, way longer than I'd ever imagined beforehand).
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