Reflecting on reflection
How postmodern-ly self-referential and narcissistic!
But, anyway: I was looking back at the earlier entries of this blog, the ones from Daisy's first few months of life, because the birth of my friends' baby Coral and my inability to remember ANYTHING or answer ANY of their questions intelligently got me curious to see what the hell actually happened. The thing that struck me, though, was not so much the information I imparted about having a newborn baby as it was the style and focus of those entries. I was really working some stuff out in this blog... really poking around inside my own thoughts and feelings, and expressing things about *myself* and my inner states of being. Now, I realize, so much of what I write is about Daisy, plain and simple--stuff she's saying and doing--pictures and videos. It all seems a lot more external than internal.
It's funny, because I know I felt a lot more self-sacrificing back then--like my life was all about ministering to Daisy and not taking as good care of myself. I certainly have more "selfish" time now than I did then. But this blog doesn't reflect that at all. If anything, you'd think I was spending a lot more time contemplating my own thoughts and feelings back then. I wonder if that's just because I don't need the blog to serve that function for me as much now as I did then--precisely because I'm taking better care of myself now? Or, does it have to do with the fact that Daisy is such a vivid person now, such a strongly defined character and personality, and I'm sort of letting her subsume me--writing about her, rather than about me? Back when she was an infant, let's face it: the entries I wrote about her really said more about me than they did about her. I felt the need to work out my own emotions through the blog then, and now I feel a lot more stable and set in my ways... and often I'm just using this blog to record some new funny thing Daisy did or some milestone or to put up pictures before they become consigned to hard drive oblivion. It's strange to think that I am no longer constantly trying to figure out my own states of being, because I have ALWAYS been like that-- very introspective and self-analytical.
I wonder if I am shrinking... or if I'm just having more of an identity outside of blogginess, and so not using the blog for that purpose. I don't know, and I'm not sure it's all that significant a question. One thing is for sure: I am not nearly as funny now as I was then. I can't believe how funny I was. I got quite a chortle out of reading those entries. Who knew? I should have enjoyed myself more, instead of spending so much time on low self-esteem. Alas, alas.
Having a new baby creates such intense states of mind. I guess partly because you're always trying to figure the baby out, your wheels are always spinning, spinning, and you want to ask other new parents questions, or test out new theories that you have, or share some new triumph or despair. The neurons are firing away constantly, and things are always changing. I must have slipped into a more stable time without even realizing it. I know it's been a long time since I've posted about, say, Daisy's sleeping habits! (She sleeps for 11 hours at night and almost never wakes up during the night anymore--but now that I've written that, I am positive she is going to wake up tonight.)
I think I'll create a state of the Daisy post soon, though, because just like I can't remember her infancy anymore, I probably won't remember this age someday, either.
But, anyway: I was looking back at the earlier entries of this blog, the ones from Daisy's first few months of life, because the birth of my friends' baby Coral and my inability to remember ANYTHING or answer ANY of their questions intelligently got me curious to see what the hell actually happened. The thing that struck me, though, was not so much the information I imparted about having a newborn baby as it was the style and focus of those entries. I was really working some stuff out in this blog... really poking around inside my own thoughts and feelings, and expressing things about *myself* and my inner states of being. Now, I realize, so much of what I write is about Daisy, plain and simple--stuff she's saying and doing--pictures and videos. It all seems a lot more external than internal.
It's funny, because I know I felt a lot more self-sacrificing back then--like my life was all about ministering to Daisy and not taking as good care of myself. I certainly have more "selfish" time now than I did then. But this blog doesn't reflect that at all. If anything, you'd think I was spending a lot more time contemplating my own thoughts and feelings back then. I wonder if that's just because I don't need the blog to serve that function for me as much now as I did then--precisely because I'm taking better care of myself now? Or, does it have to do with the fact that Daisy is such a vivid person now, such a strongly defined character and personality, and I'm sort of letting her subsume me--writing about her, rather than about me? Back when she was an infant, let's face it: the entries I wrote about her really said more about me than they did about her. I felt the need to work out my own emotions through the blog then, and now I feel a lot more stable and set in my ways... and often I'm just using this blog to record some new funny thing Daisy did or some milestone or to put up pictures before they become consigned to hard drive oblivion. It's strange to think that I am no longer constantly trying to figure out my own states of being, because I have ALWAYS been like that-- very introspective and self-analytical.
I wonder if I am shrinking... or if I'm just having more of an identity outside of blogginess, and so not using the blog for that purpose. I don't know, and I'm not sure it's all that significant a question. One thing is for sure: I am not nearly as funny now as I was then. I can't believe how funny I was. I got quite a chortle out of reading those entries. Who knew? I should have enjoyed myself more, instead of spending so much time on low self-esteem. Alas, alas.
Having a new baby creates such intense states of mind. I guess partly because you're always trying to figure the baby out, your wheels are always spinning, spinning, and you want to ask other new parents questions, or test out new theories that you have, or share some new triumph or despair. The neurons are firing away constantly, and things are always changing. I must have slipped into a more stable time without even realizing it. I know it's been a long time since I've posted about, say, Daisy's sleeping habits! (She sleeps for 11 hours at night and almost never wakes up during the night anymore--but now that I've written that, I am positive she is going to wake up tonight.)
I think I'll create a state of the Daisy post soon, though, because just like I can't remember her infancy anymore, I probably won't remember this age someday, either.
posted by Sarah Goss at 9:06 PM
2 Comments:
I really like this state of the Sarah deep thought...I love hearing about Daisy, but I really enjoy ruminations about Sarahness too. I am glad to hear you feel like you are taking care of yourself better. Stableness does seem to interfere with self-expression, I suppose. :-)
Melissa
I agree with Melissa. I also think you have a stronger sense of self now that you are used to life with Daisy and are secure in your role as "Daisy's Mom"--those first few months were a HUGE adjustment! And I really appreciated that you shared all those emotions--good and bad--with us on the blog.
It's reasonable for this to now be predominantly a Daisy blog, since she is growing and changing and evolving every day (and singing and dancing and reading and talking and all that other stuff). However those of us who are members of the Sarah and Mark fan club love hearing about you guys too! and Obama too if you like... ;-)
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