Milestone
I'm not sure whether this is a milestone for me or for Daisy, but it certainly is one: this is her first night sleeping alone in her own room, in her crib. Till now she's been sleeping in a Graco Pack and Play bassinet next to our bed.
This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, and sensing was the right decision for a long time, so I wasn't expecting to feel so sad. When I looked at her empty bassinet sitting next to our bed just now I felt heartbroken.
She is sleeping alone in her crib right now, and we'll see how long she makes it. She's been waking up a lot lately, crying and wanting to be in our bed. So we'll see. I feel so shaky inside that I don't know how tough I can be yet, and she's sick with the same cold I have so I don't think it's great timing to get really tough.
But this wondering is connected to the larger confusions I've been having lately about what it means to be a good mother; who to believe? The experts who say you need to be tough to be kind, or the ones who tell you to follow your own instincts, whatever they may be, and regardless of being told you are creating "bad habits" or "bad sleep associations" for your child? I have been swinging back and forth, back and forth, on whether or not to try a sleep training method with Daisy. There are days I feel more or less decided that it's not for me; then we'll have a really rough night and in the middle of it, I swear to myself that I WILL get up the gumption to try sleep training.
I don't know what to do, but whatever it is, it's going to have to wait till I'm not sick anymore and she's not sick anymore. It's too hard to make a big change under these conditions. And I want to give her at least a bit of a chance to get used to her new room and new crib before getting too hard on her.
And then? I don't know. I honestly don't believe that people who do sleep training with their babies are doing them any harm, and I DO believe that they are teaching them good habits for the future, if they are successful. And yet I still am not sure I can do it, nor am I sure I believe that I am doing her any harm if I DON'T choose to do the sleep training.
Sometimes I wish I were a more decisive sort of person. Anyway, till I am better, the decision is postponed. The positive side of all this wishywashyness is that I feel such a powerful love for Daisy and desire to do the right thing for her that it kind of blows my mind.
This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, and sensing was the right decision for a long time, so I wasn't expecting to feel so sad. When I looked at her empty bassinet sitting next to our bed just now I felt heartbroken.
She is sleeping alone in her crib right now, and we'll see how long she makes it. She's been waking up a lot lately, crying and wanting to be in our bed. So we'll see. I feel so shaky inside that I don't know how tough I can be yet, and she's sick with the same cold I have so I don't think it's great timing to get really tough.
But this wondering is connected to the larger confusions I've been having lately about what it means to be a good mother; who to believe? The experts who say you need to be tough to be kind, or the ones who tell you to follow your own instincts, whatever they may be, and regardless of being told you are creating "bad habits" or "bad sleep associations" for your child? I have been swinging back and forth, back and forth, on whether or not to try a sleep training method with Daisy. There are days I feel more or less decided that it's not for me; then we'll have a really rough night and in the middle of it, I swear to myself that I WILL get up the gumption to try sleep training.
I don't know what to do, but whatever it is, it's going to have to wait till I'm not sick anymore and she's not sick anymore. It's too hard to make a big change under these conditions. And I want to give her at least a bit of a chance to get used to her new room and new crib before getting too hard on her.
And then? I don't know. I honestly don't believe that people who do sleep training with their babies are doing them any harm, and I DO believe that they are teaching them good habits for the future, if they are successful. And yet I still am not sure I can do it, nor am I sure I believe that I am doing her any harm if I DON'T choose to do the sleep training.
Sometimes I wish I were a more decisive sort of person. Anyway, till I am better, the decision is postponed. The positive side of all this wishywashyness is that I feel such a powerful love for Daisy and desire to do the right thing for her that it kind of blows my mind.
posted by Sarah Goss at 8:05 PM
14 Comments:
So... did it work Thursday night? What happened? I'm at the edge of my seat, here.
I'm slightly embarrassed; she only made it four and a half hours in the crib. She has this thing now where she starts SCREAMING in the middle of the night and I go in and she's on her stomach, totally distressed, needing to be flipped back over. I don't know why, since she can flip over just fine when she's awake. Anyway, though--I ended up feeling too tired and sick to deal with getting her back in the crib, so back into our room she went. Guess we'll see how tonight goes!
I'm there too. Alex has moved into his own room and it's much harder on me than him. He's sleeping there pretty much from 7:30 pm until 6am, at which point I usually bring him in with me. We've been doing the Sleepy Planet method (nick's idea): if he's crying, wait 5 minutes, then check/soothe vocally (but don't touch), then wait 10 minutes, same thing, then 15 minutes... The first night he cried for about 45 minutes, but since then it's been under 10 minutes, and it's been more grumbling/groaning than the angry "come pick me up!" crying. But nap time during the day? FORGET IT. We are pretty much all over the map with naps and neither my mom nor I have a clue what to do about it.
I got really sentimental when Alex moved to his crib, but I couldn't put it off any longer (he was kicking so much in the bassinet and it really wasn't big enough). So I started taking pictures of him there obsessively because I knew I was going to miss those days so much. This one is my favorite:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/fausteena/419665783/
oh and for the record, that is NOT 7:30 to 6am without waking. Oh no, not even close!
Oh Sarah, I so remember this moment! Your description of not being able to decide, going back and forth, is exactly how I was in the month and a half before I finally decided to put her down in her own crib and help teach her to sleep. I went back and forth, back and fort, until after 8 months of sleeping no longer than 4 hours at a time, I couldn't take it any more.
I agree with you: I don't think either practice will hurt the child. I'm so sick of this hysterical discourse, aren't you? (We are now getting it over the starting age for kindergarten. Teachers saying that if we start Adele at the legal age--a month before her 5th birthday--it will have horrible reprecussions that will affect her all the way to finding her first job post college!). I think either way works, and many times I wish we could have figured out a way to co-sleep. I think it is all about what you and Mark can live with.
Good luck figuring out your way!
Amy
Ummm... 'scuse the ignorance here, but what is "sleep training"? Never heard of it.
We started our kids out in a crib in their own room. The Big Move for us (and them) was being Big Kids Now and getting to sleep in a REAL GROWN-UP bed!!! (Sometimes it's all in how you present it - like broccoli. ;-D)
The only time they got to sleep with mom and/or dad was when they'd wake up screaming at 2 AM with the sleep terrors (nightmares.) (At about age 1.5 to 2.5 years - lasts about 6 months.)
They'd give out this blood curdling scream, you know the one? Where they're giving up the last of their life's energy as a monster devours them from the toes up? Yeah. That one.
Then old dad (mom worked nights) would let them crawl in under the top covers in the dad bed and be snuggled and comforted. Then after a while when they'd calmed down, back to their beds they'd go for the rest of the night.
For my own personal curiosity, I imposed a price for getting into the Dad Bed - they had to tell me what they dreamed about. (And also so we could address the unreality of the dream. Humor works really well! "You gonna let some mangy old alligator scare you? I bet you could make luggage out of any old alligator that tried to eat YOU.") For one, it usually was alligators chasing them or trying to eat them. It was interesting to me that each of them had a different recurring dream.
As young people, ie infant tyrants, they ALWAYS slept in their own beds/cribs. NO amount of screaming would get them reprieved from Bed Time. They didn't have to SLEEP all the time, but they had to STAY there all the time. (And thus we brought out the Houdini in them all.) We moved them from, the crib to a bed when it began to be more dangerous for them in the crib - due to the risks inherent in the process of escape. ;-D
As for "following your instincts"... I used to think that was a valid position - until I saw some moms in action. I'm not sure some of them HAD any parental instincts! So I came to the conclusion that the sociologists and psychologists were right - humans HAVE no instincts. The BEST guide to parenting is - your own mother or some other granny who's kids turned out well. Experts may have a piece of paper that says they are experts, but do they have a finished product that PROVES it? Usually not.
Hey grndexter,
Sleep training is just the term these expert parenting books to talk about helping your baby learn to soothe herself back to sleep and so forth...and there are a million books, so a million different ways to "train" your baby to sleep through the night.
I am not sure I believe in instincts, either. Good point. On the other hand, you can't contort yourself to fit someone else's parenting style which isn't really yours...which doesn't feel right, whether it's a matter of instinct or not...that's all I meant. I think I'm with a friend and fellow mom who said, "Since there are so many different experts with completely different theories to follow, I'm going to pick one that fits with the way I already feel like parenting." That makes sense to me! If it's really feeling uncomfortable to follow a particular expert's guidelines--uncomfortable and unnatural, for lack of a better word--maybe it's not the best idea.
On the other hand, I was frustrated nearly to the point of tears last night by all of Daisy's wakings-up. I may be desperate enough soon to try something that feels unnatural!
...as for sleeping with your baby, it seem like that's become more popular lately, doesn't it? Maybe having something to do with William Sears, the "attachment parenting" doctor who recommends it? Anyway, I know a lot of people who do it. I have a hard time with it because I find it nearly impossible to get any sleep with a baby in the bed. Maybe it's just that our bed isn't big enough, but I'm always worrying about smacking her or something, so I perch awkwardly and stiffly on the very edge of the bed and can barely sleep. The people who like it, on the other hand, say they get a lot more sleep this way, and you can see the advantages: the baby wakes up, nurses, and goes right back to sleep, and the mom doesn't even have to get out of bed. No fussing, no crying.
We did a compromise, which I think a lot of people do: the baby in a bassinet right next to our bed, so we could easily grab her and let her nurse, then put her back to bed. This was a pretty great solution for many months. It's what our doctor recommended, too (having her in the same room but in her own bed). I really thought we had it made, because she was sleeping nine or ten hours at a stretch.
What's throwing me, now, is that she is waking up more frequently in the night, not less frequently. I was under the impression that babies sleep longer and longer as they get older. Why would a baby who was sleeping 9 or 10 hours now suddenly sleep 3.5 or less (then wake up crying)? I can't understand why things have gotten WORSE, not better.
One thing that's different is that almost always, when she wakes up crying, she has rolled from her back to her stomach. In the old days, that never happened. Now, we find her in there, screaming her head off, on her stomach, like she can't figure out how she got there or how to get back-- which is weird, because she DOES know how to get back.
It's alarming how much energy is devoted to talking and thinking about baby sleep habits, isn't it??
Yeah, the whole sleep issue can drive one insane. For what it's worth, we practiced Sears' "attachment parenting" with both boys. I loved my sling and still use it with G2 (18 mos now). As for the sleeping--G1 slept in a portable crib in our bedroom until he was almost 2. Right now, G2 is sleeping in that same crib in our bedroom and hasn't spent a single night in his crib upstairs. I suppose some folks would tell me it's time to move him out of our bedroom, but why? He's fine where he is. We put him to sleep at 8pm and he sleeps til 7:30, waking up once or twice at night (but putting himself back to sleep). Having him in our bedroom isn't hurting him or us, and I like being able to easily check on him in the middle of the night. And BTW--even though he's in our bedroom, we very rarely have him in bed with us. Not because we have opinions about it--it's because we have two 100-lb dogs who sleep on the bed with us. . .and we don't want him accidentally squashed by a human or canine :) I guess there are a zillion opinions about what's right or wrong with regard to cosleeping, sleeping in room, sleeping in a room with dogs, when to potty train, what to do about picky eaters, when to start kindergarten, blah blah. Amy is right--it's a hysterical discourse.
OK, time to get off that soapbox. Just have to remember that you're Daisy's mom, and you're doing your best. As long as you're doing your best, whatever it is, she'll be just fine. That's all any of us can hope for :)
Lee
It's a tough call, no question. We've tended to take the side of the attachment-parenting: thinking if kids get what they need, they'll feel secure and the need will eventually go away.
On the other hand, we've got a 6-year-old boy who still crawls in with us at some point during the night, and his 4-year-old sister who's been joining him. So we're pretty well done now: at some point in the very near future, a futon couch is going in our room and our bed will be off-limits.
We have a precedent for this. When Celia was little, we pulled a little cot into our room, next to our bed, and that's where she slept when she felt the need to get out of her crib. She called it her "piece of bed."
Jack always slept in our bed. We tried several times to wean him off it, but he is both incredibly stubborn and extremely loud. After weeks of frayed nerves and nightly tantrums, we managed to get him to where he is now: where he falls asleep in his bed, but crawls in with us later on.
I think it depends on your kid and on you -- it all works eventually. I don't know of any kid who voluntarily slept in their parents' bed until they went to college. :)
I'm trying to think about what our ancestors did with their infants 10,000 years ago. Maybe they put them to sleep in separate caves. But I suspect that infants evolved in such a way that being alone makes them anxious. Our ancestors probably slept in a pile.
Sleep training reminds me of toilet training. This sort of early training book is sold as being good for the infant when in fact its purpose is to make life easier for the parent. It's not as if a child won't eventually learn how to sleep or to use a toilet.
In retrospect, I was too tough on my kids, and I do not recommend tough love for infants, unless the parents are Republicans.
G
Thanks, everybody, and thanks for the ideas about attachment parenting; I love the idea of the "piece of bed." I can imagine trying that when she's older. I wish I could ask you each about a million questions... Lee, if you ever read this, how did you teach G2 to put himself back to sleep in the middle of the night? Or did he eventually learn on his own? (Or, was he always that way?)
Sarah,
On G2 putting himself back to sleep--I think we just sort of gradually got him there. He has a "bear" (bear head, blanket body) that he sleeps with that helps him self-comfort when he wakes up at night. But also, we just kind of would check on him if he woke up crying, make sure he was OK, give him a few minutes in the rocking chair, and put him back in his crib. Sometimes we'd just check on him, and if he was OK, pat him in his crib without taking him out of it. But we never did either for very long before leaving him to put himself back to sleep, and he just kind of gradually started settling himself back down without any help from us. The only real trouble we have with him waking at night if he is sick, in which case, he gets all the rocking chair time he needs :)
Lee
Thanks, Lee... y'know, based on what you're saying, I think we have a similar situation with Daisy and hopefully it will evolve the way it did with G2. The thing is, when she wakes up in the middle of the night it never takes very long to soothe her--just a couple minutes of rocking, usually. I hope as she grows older she won't even need that anymore, but it's not such a burden at the moment and she IS capable of going back to sleep by herself, sometimes.
I am starting to feel skeptical of the expert books. They all say it's a terrible idea to rock a baby to sleep--that you must put the baby down drowsy but awake, awake, awake, or she'll never learn to self-soothe. WELL... the nights Daisy has been sleeping 11-12 hours, we rocked her to sleep first. We hear her wake up a little bit from time to time and go right back to sleep. So she IS capable of self-soothing, even though we've been rocking her to sleep initially. I think the waking up is a sign that she's going through some developmental change, or sometimes she does it when she's sick. I am leaning more and more toward the theory that when she's ready to sleep through the night regularly, she will. When her last cold got better, she slept better.
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