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Last night I dreamed that I had discovered an amazing new product called "Everybody Loves a Turd" and was buying them by the bushelful for all my friends, starting with Dave, that lucky man, whose birthday is Friday. I was enthused, feeling like I had hit the birthday present jackpot with this gift, totally secure in my certainty that every friend I have would adore it. Reese Witherspoon was there, helping sell the product, and giving me advice on how to handle obscene prank phone calls with grace and dignity.
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I am (foolishly) watching "A Baby Story" on TLC and this insane woman they are featuring did not scream ONCE during her delivery. She did not make a PEEP. Man, how I resent her.
PS
Okay, now I really hate her. She just said, "Pregnancy is easy. Giving birth is easy. It's raising kids that's hard." Why can't THREE things be hard?
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I am (foolishly) watching "A Baby Story" on TLC and this insane woman they are featuring did not scream ONCE during her delivery. She did not make a PEEP. Man, how I resent her.
PS
Okay, now I really hate her. She just said, "Pregnancy is easy. Giving birth is easy. It's raising kids that's hard." Why can't THREE things be hard?
posted by Sarah Goss at 9:54 AM
16 Comments:
First of all, I'm with you. All three are hard, at least part of the time.
But I do have to say I did not scream during labor either. Screaming makes everything tense up--so I had been told and I guess I internalized it well. Groaning, on the other hand, really loud and low, that is the ticket. That and a water tub got me through labor (including back labor). Forget all this crap about the breathing. Focus on making the loudest groan from way down deep in your gut that you can. Okay, you weren't asking for advice so I have now trespassed way over the comment boundaries, haven't I? And yet I'm going to post this anyway. :)
Thank you! No, no comment boundaries issue at all-- I really welcome the advice. Groaning it is. I am going to remember that. (And this TLC woman made not ONE sound, not even a groan; she was totally insane, trust me. After she gave birth and talked about how easy it was, she revealed that she was starting a preschool called the Ivy League Preschool for little future Harvard-goers, which bugged me, although I hope I am not offending anyone.) I don't know if I would actually *scream* either--it seems like an odd thing to suddenly start doing, given I have never screamed before in my life. Well, except when I had second and third degree burns. I think I may have screamed once or twice.
I do not remember being held down... I think Albert is lying. Also, I did not get the epidural because I was ready to push, not because my water broke.
I did not scream, I just said "owie, owie, owie". Worked for me!
Details, Albert, details! Get them right! ;)
I did bite him though.
Wow! Biting, thrashing around, being held down (or not being held down) like Regan in _The Exorcist-- and, according to another friend of mine, involuntary bodily functions of every kind. I can't WAIT. I sadly think, "Say goodbye to the last remnants of your personal dignity, Sarah." Of course, some people might want to argue that I parted with those years ago.
PS
I really enjoyed this Gwen-Albert debate. More! (Gwen, you can always bite him again if he lies, even if you are not delivering a baby.)
What happened to "Everybody loves a turd?" Was it an actual turd, or just the love of turd that you were giving to people. If it was a turd, turds from where? Almond paste turds? :-)
Hee hee hee. Thank you for the question, Melissa--it was sort of like a soft, squishy, brown synthetic turd. The bizarre thing is, in the dream I instantly knew it was the *perfect* present for all my friends--I was loading my shopping cart with them. A turd for Melissa, a turd for Dave, a turd for Arwen, a turd for Mita, etc.--and I really felt like I would be giving people something they'd LOVE. There was no doubt in my mind.
Your selfless desire in the dream to make sure all your close friends have the ideal synthetic turd has reawakened my faith in humanity...I think you should take the concept to the next level and develop the concept as a rock opera with Andrew Lloyd-Webber.
Hee hee hee. Thank you, Bill! I will move you up on my list of friends to receive the turd, even though your birthday just went by. It's your lucky day.
Pet rock, pet turd -- are they that different?
I'd rather have the pet turd...
I am your own little life-sized turd, honey.
And my new full-body pillow is MY huggable turd. According to you!
I WANT THAT TURD. Seriously. You should market it. I'd buy ten. (It's probably on sale at Spencer's even as we speak.)
I have no advice to give you on labor and delivery. My role in that process can be summed up in four words: "Do whatever she says." (And indeed, K did once tell me to leave the room, and I left until she allowed me back in.)
However, I can give you two pieces of advice: 1) Don't watch anything on TLC from now until, say, the child goes to college. And 2) Don't read "What To Expect When You're Expecting." It's a horrible book and it will convince you that everything you're doing is harming your baby, which it isn't.
Thank you for appreciating the dream turd, Matt! I was starting to feel it was being seriously underrated. I know dreams can be dull when people go on and on about them (well, actually, I find them interesting, but I have heard people say this), but I kept it short and pithy, didn't I?
And I think you are totally right both about TLC and about the What to Expect book, which I DO have and which never fails to make me feel extremely anxious and bad about myself. I am not following The Pregnancy Diet properly and am not exercising right and have drunk teas with strange herbs in them and have taken baths and...aaaaaaaa!!!
Thank you for wanting to stab her. in the eye with a spork, Haddayr... that is how I felt. Definitely. I am going to try to quit my "Baby Story" habit.
I like the new product idea and I'm glad Reese was right there with you for moral support. I actually recently had a dream about poo, as happens often, wherein I went #2 at my parent's home and they had this amazing new toilet that opened a large wooden gate when the plunger was depressed. Instead of flushing down the toilet, through the plumbing, and out to the sewer, the gates opened and a rush of water slowly moved the waste product directly into the sewer system, which was apparently right next to my parent's house (who knew). So anyway, yes, I think your gift idea would resonate with me and any other scatalogically inclined individuals.
Re: not making a noise during delivery, (1) yes, spork, and (2) was she a Scientologist? I hear Katie Holmes is not allowed to utter a peep during delivery because Scientologists believe that noise disturbs a newborn baby. Should I ever find myself pregnant and delivering naturally, I plan to shriek bloody murder at the top of my lungs, like, every obscenity possible. I wish to roar.
I, too, enjoyed the Gwen-Albert account of the delivery.
Hi Deb,
Oooh, thank you for appreciating my turd dream. I was really fishing for a compliment (ew, "fishing" and "turd" together). I heard the same thing about Katie Holmes and Scientology births. I know it's none of my business, but I am really concerned about Katie Holmes. I think she should call me sometime. I need to help her.
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