Last but not least...

...I thought I had blogged about this little thing, but apparently I never did: one day when I picked Daisy up from school, she said to me, "I am crying tears of happiness." I know it might seem like she was happy because she was getting picked up, but I really don't think that was all of it. She was in a great mood after school, and happy to see me and her friends, of course (she was doing something with Henry and Eli that day). But I honestly think she was happy at school prior to seeing me, and that the "tears of happiness" were a general emotion she was experiencing. More often now she will say to us, "I love school" or "I love my teachers."

Hahahaha-- Daisy is reading to herself on the potty (something she can do for endless amounts of time, in privacy) and I just heard her saying, "More feeling! Keep trying! You're getting it!" (Something that's happening in a book.)

One more note on preschool...

...I know I reported that at my parent-teacher conference, the teachers told me Daisy wants to observe groups doing activities more than participate in them. They told me they thought that was fine and healthy, and that as she grows more comfortable and confident she will participate more. So, on Friday (the day after my conference), when I picked Daisy up, one of her teachers (Asako) told me that Daisy had done a LOT of activities that day and had been active in different things all over the Montessori room. Yay!

A Few State-of-the-Daisy Notes

...I need to remember to do this periodically, so I can remember what she was doing at each age--especially the super-cool stuff, like the things I am reporting below:

--Daisy can read a few words now, as I know I've reported in the past, and she seems to be picking up momentum in this area.

--She has known the alphabet a long time, but here's what she's doing now that amazes us: she can sometimes tell us what letter a word starts with, if we say the word to her. She is best with B, D, and T (I'm not sure why). We can pitch words to her-- say, "ball," "dog," "toy," "bottle," "dance," "toes," and she will say "That word starts with B" (or D, or T). I think she can do more letters (I can hear her doing P words with Mark right now) but we haven't tried many more with her yet.

--Daisy is a really good counter! This impresses me because I don't remember math being my strong suit. Daisy is VERY interested in numbers and counts slowly and accurately. She can count to 20 with great accuracy, and after that, things get a little funny :-)

--Daisy's drawing got a lot better around the time of turning 3. She went from doing mostly erratic scribbles to doing faces and figures. The images are still a little shaky, but she draws a pretty good circle for a face, and then she'll draw eyes and a mouth and a nose (or a "beak," her favorite). And recently she's been adding hair. She also does bodies with arms and legs, so we get these cool-looking kind of abstract figures. Her lines are not extremely controlled, so the figures look wobbly, but you can definitely tell what they are.

--Other than reading, Daisy's favorite activity is probably dancing. She LOOOOVES to dance. She gets totally absorbed in certain music, too, to the point that when she's listening to her favorite music, she sometimes asks us not to talk so she can concentrate on it. She dances all over the place, with increasingly daring and acrobatic moves, when she hears her favorite music. And she loves her ballet class, which makes me happy. It is a fun class for us to do together.

--Daisy is getting more adventurous physically, though she is still not as physically adept as other kids her age. But knowing how slowly she's hit a lot of those milestones, I continue to be impressed with the climbing, running, jumping, skipping, etc. that she is doing. She tries new things all the time, and they are moves that are daring for her, even if they wouldn't seem that way for a lot of other three-year-olds.

She just seems to me (her extremely biased mother) like such a wonderful child. I couldn't have imagined loving anyone so much or being so perpetually amazed by a human being. We can also see that she is developing as an empathetic person, although of course empathy and morality aren't exactly the forte of three-year-olds. But more and more, she asks us about how others are feeling and shows signs that she wants to make a good impression on others. This is not 100% (and it really falls apart when she's over-tired). But even when she makes a mistake, or does something not very nice, we're noticing that she'll bring it up a few days later and seem concerned, asking us questions about what it meant. Soooo... the wheels are turning and she's working on this whole social conscience business, clearly.

Okay, that's all for now. I should remember to do this more often, though!

Better

Yep. Things are better. Daisy seems to be adjusting to preschool, first and foremost. I had a conference today with two of her teachers and left feeling great about how everything is going. They are kind, smart, and knowledgeable (the teachers) and they had wise things to say about Daisy that showed me they already know a lot about who she is. They told me she is kind and polite, always saying "Please," "Thank you" and "May I." That makes a mother proud! They remarked on her verbal ability and her big vocabulary, and her love of books of course. They noticed how slooooowwwly she does everything, taking her time, which they saw as a virtue (I really need to be more patient with her--I am often telling her to hurry up because she walks so very slowly). They told me she is doing more observing right now than participating, and that she often comes up to a small group and says, "May I watch you?" or "May I help you?" This fit with what I've seen when I've peeked in at her, but it was reassuring to hear that they saw this observing trend as very positive. They noted that right now she is more interested in relating to her teachers than to her peers--all of which completely fit with my own impressions. This makes me feel they are really paying attention to her. They know she's righthanded, and they help her with activities that are hard (like tracing the shape of an ellipse with metal insets--something she's been interested in lately).

The best part was that when I asked whether they thought she was fitting in, they said they all had "great confidence" that she was fitting in well and that she was going to "blossom" in her time at Montessori.

I am feeling that I love the teachers and love the school. I have already seen some great changes in Daisy-- just that she's doing things more independently and saying, "I can do it myself." And I feel a lot of trust and confidence in the school. Thank God I survived the first few difficult weeks and didn't do anything impulsive (like decide it was all too much for us and withdraw her from school).

ALSO, I got a 100% on my first exam in my new grad school program. And almost as excitingly, I parked in two-hour parking right outside the building, because I was running late to the exam, forgot to move my car, and did not get a ticket. YEAH!

Lately, I am not so happy

Don't panic or call 911 or anything. But I guess it's worth a (brief) post. The whole experience of sending Daisy off to preschool five days a week--watching her struggle and going through my own struggles about it--and at the same time entering a new grad school program: well, it's kind of defeating me at the moment. I feel really overwhelmed, out of place everywhere I go, and sad when I think of my old life. I miss a lot of people and things. And I don't feel very attached to the new stuff, at least not yet. I keep having fantasies about moving, or at the very least, getting in the car and driving far away and hibernating for awhile in some cozy vacation spot.

I have been crying more than usual and my body hurts, which is really weird. Maybe it's just fatigue, but I have these flu-like symptoms of aches and pains that feel really close to the surface of my skin (no, I do not have the flu of any kind--I am positive it's not that). Last night I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally, that I went to bed at 9:30. Let me repeat that: NINE-THIRTY! I never, never, never do that. Ever. I am a night owl, and I am capable of staying up late into the night even knowing that I will have to get up at 6:30. But last night, it just really wasn't worth it to remain conscious.

Ughhhhh.

Holy Moley

Today when Daisy and Mark were out together, Daisy pointed at a stop sign that was missing a "T" and said, "The T ran away from that stop sign and went to a tea party!" (Ahem, I guess Sesame Street is pretty educational, because she got that idea from an episode called "The Runaway Ts.") Well, so this shows that Daisy can read the word "Stop," which isn't too shocking because we know she can read a few words. But THEN she said to Mark, "Now it says 'SOP.'" !!!!! I can't believe she knows how to "read" like that... I am not sure what exactly, but that indicates some new level of understanding language, I think (to be able to imagine how to pronounce the same word if it's missing a letter). This kid absolutely boggles my mind sometimes!

Eye of the Tiger

Mark has taught Daisy to identify all sorts of hard rock songs and bands. Today in the car, we were listening to "Eye of the Tiger"--which Daisy could identify after the opening few bars. Daisy asked me what the song was about, and I gave some stuttering explanation about learning to be strong in the face of challenges and finding one's inner tiger. After I explained about finding the tough, strong tiger inside oneself, Daisy said, "But I don't have a tiger costume! I have a fairy costume." So I told her it was just as good to find one's inner fairy. (I guess I could also have explained that you don't need a tiger costume in order to embrace your inner tiger.)

This morning...

...Daisy actually seemed kind of cheerful to go to school. She asked if she was going, I said yes, and I asked if that was okay; she said, "Yes, I'm going to play with my teachers." A good sign! The literature the school's been giving us points out that kids need time to form an attachment to their teachers and classmates, which is the thought I've been clinging to (though I hadn't been using that word, "attachment"). Maybe it is happening?? For the record, this is the third week... so if things have improved, it's taken about two weeks.

I don't believe it

Daisy just went to sleep on her own for the first time in many weeks. I can't remember how long it's been since we haven't had a massive struggle at bedtime. I just got her to go to sleep on her own, no struggle, no fight. Well--I shouldn't say "I got her to." I should say, "She did it!" But I am proud of myself, too, since Mark isn't home right now so I did the bedtime solo.

Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is the start of something good, and not just a fluke.

Okaaaay....

Daisy just told me there is a girl who pushes her at school. She used the girl's name, but I don't want to write it here. Let's just call her "Polly." Daisy said, "Sometimes Polly is not nice. Polly pushes me." I asked her why, and she said, "I don't know why." A few minutes later I asked her if the other kids were nice and she said yes. And then she said, "Polly is nice too. Sometimes she pushes me, but she is still nice." What a smart girl! And yet-- I am a little concerned. I know I shouldn't completely freak out and that these things are going to happen at school; for all I know, Daisy may have done something to bring it on, or the pushing may have been unintentional, or it may not have been all that aggressive. It's just hard not to know. I wonder if I should ask the teacher about it?

Good Day at School, or "Skinny Peppers"

I think today was a good day. Daisy was not upset about going to school and was excited for show-and-tell; she had a painted goose egg with Chinese characters to show the class. When I left her, she seemed resigned. I peeked back through the partition and she seemed to be on the outskirts of a group, which is how we've been seeing her pretty much every time we leave (something to ask the teacher about at my upcoming parent-teacher conference). Anyway, though, she seemed fine and was not crying. When I picked her up, she was happy to see me but when asked, said she had had a good day. I asked the head teacher, Jolanta, how she'd done at Show and Tell, and she told me Daisy spoke in a whisper and was very shy. She was supposed to walk around the circle showing all the kids her item, but Jolanta had had to hold her hand and Daisy didn't speak loud enough to be heard. Poor baby! Jolanta gave me the idea of practicing at home with a circle of stuffed animals, so I will do that. I was a painfully shy kid, so I can't help feeling for Daisy.

I checked Daisy's take-home art folder, and there were two paintings in there. I was looking at them, thinking, "How can they be sure these are Daisy's, when they have 29 kids?" And then I saw the title an adult had written in: "Skinny Peppers." My heart got all full, because that title is DEFINITELY a Daisy title. A mother knows. Someone was paying attention to her and wrote that title down for her. (It's not that I suspect the teachers of ignoring her intentionally, of course--they seem like lovely people and I know they do their best. It's just that there are 29 kids and four teachers, so you can't expect tons of one-on-one attention for your child.)

Daisy has been very tired lately because she has been having trouble sleeping at night. There are dark circles under her eyes that worry me. But, tired or not tired, she was a lot like her old self for the rest of the day: cheerful, dancing around. We met Dena and Henry and Robyn and Eli at Jamba Juice for a smoothie, and then we met Mark at the Rossi Playground. Mark had to return to work, but Daisy and I had our lunch on a bench and then played for awhile. Daisy met a very sweet older Indian boy who played hide and seek with her. I am always grateful for older kids who don't mind playing with a younger child, and it seems especially rare that an older boy (he looked 6 or 7) would play with a three-year-old girl. His mother told me he loves girls! I was thrilled to see Daisy so happy, smiling and laughing and running around with this boy. I am not quite sure why this isn't happening at school; at playgrounds, Daisy often befriends another child, often an older child but not always. She can be quite extroverted and friendly. At school, though, she seems quiet and nervous. That's something to ask about at my parent-teacher conference, too.

I was hoping the Indian family lived in the neighborhood, but sadly, they are from Sacramento so we will probably never see them again. This always seems to happen! The children Daisy befriends at playgrounds are usually from other places. I wonder if the gods are trying to tell me something....
EDIT
This afternoon after Daisy took her nap, she told us she "loved school" and that she was "very happy" there. We should be overjoyed, I guess, but I am not entirely sure I believe her. It's just so odd, given how she acted the first two weeks. Also, she continues to ask, "Is that enough school now?" I guess she didn't say that today, although she did ask us, for the four thousandth time, why parents aren't allowed to stay. This time, though, she seemed to accept our answer readily enough. Maybe she is telling the truth? I know it seems strange to suggest a three-year-old is just telling us what we want to hear, but I have seen this sort of thing in a smaller way from Daisy. Hmmmm. I dunno. Guess we'll see. There have definitely been some improvements. Today after school we bumped into one of her teachers at the playground and Daisy immediately wanted to run over and say hi, saying, "There's my teacher, Asako!" Sooo... yeah. Things at school are certainly improving.
EDIT #2
I really appreciate the way Daisy processes information and makes sense of it. Sometimes I can see it happening right before my eyes, as in today when she said, "Mama, remember the first day of school? I was calling out for you." She has brought this up with me many times (including on the first day, when it actually happened). But today I could tell she was reminiscing about it as a thing of the past, and something she has moved beyond. I felt proud of my big girl.

Awwwwwww

This morning before school I heard Daisy saying to her doll, "Abby, your mother is always with you" (this is what I have been saying to her).

Daisy's way of counting

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 (so far so good),
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 (sometimes she omits 12),
51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 100." Same way every time.

Okay, so this is the bottom line

Daisy--I mean, any child--has to go through some suffering and adversity in her life in order to build resilience. I KNOW that. And yet, as her mom, I can't help wanting to shield her and protect her from all forms of pain. Even if I could do that, it would be bad for her because then she'd never develop the inner resources she needs, and she'd never learn how to bounce back from difficulty (resilience). So, if I am a good mom, I need to let her encounter some hardship. BUT I DON'T WANNA. All my impulses say protect, protect, protect. Ughhhhhhhh.

Also, I need to let her leave my side, become more independent, and develop attachments to other people--other adults, her teachers, her peers. All this would be good for her, but it can't happen automatically. Of course she is crying her first week of preschool, because she doesn't know anyone there yet and they don't know her. But if I were to whip her away from the situation, she'd never have a chance to find out whether she can form those bonds with other people, people who are not me. It seems to me that I would be a controlling mom who wants to keep all of Daisy's love to myself, and that I'd be crippling her in the department of building up a toolkit of inner resources, if I yank her out of preschool just because it kills me to see her hurting.

But this all just feels so very terrible and hard right now. Please, please let it get better soon!

Disaster Morning (Day 4)

Well, Daisy has been holding it together bravely every day at preschool, but today she cracked. She was screaming and crying and begging me not to leave, and I couldn't help crying as I left. One of the teachers, a very kind woman, was trying to hold Daisy on her lap, but Daisy was kicking and flailing all over the place. Walking away was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I felt like I was falling apart inside. I called the school a little while later, and Nina (one of the directors, also very kind) told me that Daisy had only cried for a couple minutes--thank God. Giuliana, the teacher, read a book to her and she calmed down. It made me feel good to know they've figured her out so well already, to know that reading her a book is probably the best way to make her happy. Nina checked on her in the classroom and said she was now part of a group and was calm.

I know a few different factors go into what happened today. One is that she hasn't been sleeping well. The big change has been affecting her sleep at night. She seems anxious, doesn't get to sleep till late, and wakes up early. She has new fears (like not letting us close her door at night) that have started since preschool began. She also hasn't been napping, and I'm at a loss about what to do. The problem is that when I pick her up at 11:30, this is about when I should be moving her toward a nap-- but she's so happy to see me and do something, and I'm so happy to be with her, too, that getting right to bed just doesn't seem feasible. Then, if I give her a later nap, it's likely to mess up bedtime, pushing it later... which means she's going to be tired in the morning when she gets up for school. So, over the last week she hasn't been napping and has been getting probably a total of 9 or 9.5 hours of sleep a night. No wonder she cracked this morning.

I don't have the heart to write much more about it right now, but I really hope it gets better. I will try to be patient.

Day Two Update

Daisy's teacher told me after class today that she got a little teary-eyed right after we left but that she was very brave, saying, "I am not going to cry; I am going to be brave." Her teacher was able to distract her with activities, and when we came to pick her up, she seemed fine. In the car, I asked her if she had gotten sad, and she wisely said, "It was okay that I felt like crying, just like you feel like crying sometimes, Mama." Guess I haven't always been in a good mood around her! But that made me think it is actually good for her to see that Mama cries too sometimes... it helps her know that her feelings are okay, too.

Day Two of Preschool

Soooo... even though Daisy did fine at preschool yesterday, she told us at bedtime that she did not want to go back. Some quotes: "My classroom is the wrong color," "Mothers should not leave little children all alone," and "It is no fun when you leave." I had trouble sleeping last night because I was worrying about how we'd get her to go this morning. But she went, with some resignation. My mother and I went in and spent the first 40 minutes with her, per school policy (we are not supposed to stay longer than half an hour--from 8 to 8:30--but they're being pretty lenient this first week). When we told her we were going, she looked completely unsurprised and said, "I'll be good." I felt like my heart was breaking as I walked away. She didn't cry, but she didn't look happy, either.

I may have said this in my last post, but the thing about Daisy that is so touching to me is the way she's showing coping skills about the separation. There are kids who are screaming and crying when their parents leave, and there are other kids who just seem so busy and occupied with the Montessori materials that they hardly notice what's going on. Daisy is doing neither. She is clearly processing the separation, dealing with it emotionally, and calling upon inner resources. Both times I've left her, she hasn't seemed particularly occupied with any activity, but she still pulled it together. It is kind of breaking my heart to watch, but I can tell this is *growth*. She is going to change; she is growing up and confronting difficulties she's never had to before. That is hard for me, because I have to admit that a part of me doesn't want her to grow up.

It went fine

There were three of us to pick Daisy up after her first day of preschool--Mark, Gommy, and me. She did not cry, we learned, and she did fine. She asked a teacher to help her use the potty and used it successfully. The head teacher told us Daisy was okay at school, busy and occupied, but warned me not to expect that she will necessarily be fine next time, or all the time. I guess sometimes the kiddies have a bit of a delayed reaction, or perhaps a negative response to realizing how often they are going to be at school. There was a lot of crying when we left the school--not from Daisy, but from some of the other kids.

When we arrived, they were finishing up circle time. The teacher told Daisy her mom was here, and she came running. She had a big smile and seemed excited and energized about school. She was thrilled to see Gommy, who was a surprise. She especially liked the singing and dancing part, she told us (I'm not quite sure what they did, exactly, but Daisy says there was some singing and dancing). When I asked her what else she had done, she said she had "played." She mentioned some other kids and the teacher favorably.

Leaving her at school was hard for me. I found myself starting to cry before the moment of leaving, and I excused myself to the bathroom so she wouldn't see me. Then I did some crying when I left. Hopefully I was successful in sheltering Daisy from anxiety I was feeling. I am just not used to this feeling of not knowing what she's experiencing. Daisy said goodbye very maturely to me and Mark; she didn't look carefree, and she didn't look deeply absorbed in any activity, but rather she had a serious, self-contained look, like she was going to rise to the occasion. When I picked her up, she did say, "I called for you, Mom." I asked her if she had cried, and she said no (which the teacher later confirmed). But she mentioned another little girl had "cried out for her mama," so she, Daisy, had too. I think it was fine, though.

Daisy told us she'd visited Henry in his classroom. I'm not sure how many times that happened. Henry, for his part, seemed absolutely fine and did not visit Daisy in her classroom! After school, they ran on the lawn together for a long time pretending to be a train, breaking down and flopping in the wet grass. Their new school clothes got completely wet and muddy, but they were having fun and it was good to end their first day of school so happily.

And now I need to gear up for Day Two!

First Day of Preschool

Here is the picture I took of Daisy before we left for her first day of preschool this morning.